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PLAY BALL!! ~~ 23 More Rules for 4th of July Wiffle Ball ~~ courtesy @JasonGay and The @WSJ

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23 More Rules for Fourth of July Wiffle Ball Jason Gay Wall Street Journal
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It’s been a couple of seasons since our last Fourth of July Wiffle Ball Rules, and if you’re wondering: Yes, the Fourth of July Wiffle ball “Steroid Era” is over. Home runs are down. Strikeouts are up. The only stuff anyone’s testing positive for: rum and potato salad.

1. To review the essential bylaws: Fourth of July Wiffle ball must be played on (duh) the Fourth of July. The game should probably begin in the late afternoon or early evening, before everyone’s eaten 11 hot dogs. The game is slow pitch, not fast pitch—fast-pitch is for passive-aggressive lunatics. Everyone is welcome, regardless of athleticism or beer count. If you forget everything else, remember these two things: no $200 million contracts for players over 30, and never, ever put a charcoal grill in the outfield.

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2. When designing your Wiffle ball diamond, it’s important to make sure that it contains at least one expensive, irreplaceable custom window that can be shattered by a well-hit line drive.

3. Authentic bases are not necessary for Wiffle ball. You might not even play with bases. If you do, first base can be a beach towel. Second base can be a tube of sunscreen. Third base can be an iPad.

Home plate can be your Aunt’s secret copy of “50 Shades of Grey.”

4. Uniform? Come on. The Fourth of July Wiffle ball uniform is bare feet and a plastic cocktail cup.

23 More Rules of Wiffle Ball
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5. A fly ball that lands on top of the roof is a home run. A fly ball that goes over the roof is a grand slam. A fly ball that breaks the neighbor’s window is a visit from the police.

6. If you insist on painting foul lines for your Wiffle ball game, it’s probably a good idea to do it before your third margarita.

7. Stats are not important during Fourth of July Wiffle ball. If you cannot remember what inning it is, you have exactly the right attitude.

8. There are no balls and strikes called in Wiffle ball. You just shame the picky hitters.

9. There will be someone in your game who holds the bat with one hand and only swings at pitches two feet above his or her head. This person will go 8 for 8.

10. There will also be someone who steps to the plate and points dramatically to the outfield wall like Babe Ruth. This person always fouls out.

11. A few times you will have to go find the on-deck hitter, who will be back in the kitchen eating nachos and watching “The Big Bang Theory” on TV.

12. There’s going to be one player in your game who loves saying old-timey baseball lingo like “Chin Music” and “Frozen Rope” and “Texas Leaguer.” It gets old pretty fast.

13. If you’re organizing a Fourth of July Wiffle ball game in the parking lot at the Grateful Dead show in Chicago…good luck, buddy!

14. If you’re playing Wiffle ball up in New England, take it easy on the Deflategate jokes. They’re still pretty sensitive about that thing.

15. There is someone in the outfield who is watching “Orange Is the New Black” on his or her phone.

23 More Rules of 4th of July Wiffle Ball Jason Gay Wall Street Journal
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16. Sure, you can do play-by-play of your Fourth of July Wiffle ball game. But you do not sound like Vin Scully. Nobody on the planet sounds as good as Vin Scully. That’s why he’s Vin Scully.

17. No stealing bases or beers.

18. Whoever wins your Fourth of July Wiffle ball game is in second place in the NL East.

19. This is weird, but eight Kansas City Royals made the All-Star Team from your Wiffle ball game.

20. Yes: Peanut the Labrador can play in the Fourth of July Wiffle ball Game. Let Peanut have his fun! At 9 p.m., when the fireworks start, Peanut is going to be under the back porch crying.

21. You can’t get thrown out of Fourth of July Wiffle ball for arguing a call. You can be thrown out for putting your fingers in the guacamole.

22. If you are contemplating diving into a rose bush to make a catch, let me remind you this a Fourth of July Wiffle ball game, and you have to be at work on Monday.

23. The Wiffle ball game is over when someone runs right through a screen door. Which someone hopefully caught on video and will put on YouTube.

Happy Fourth of July!

Write to Jason Gay at Jason.Gay@wsj.com

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